When Papa Replaces Mom … Hilari — something – Ensues

I don’t get away a lot. Don’t get me wrong. I love being a mom and I love spending time with my kids, but let’s be honest, they suck the life out of you. My mom bought me a plane ticket to visit my little sister as a Christmas gift this year. The best Christmas gift ever, BTW.

Kim lives in California.  She moved there six months ago and it’s the longest I’ve gone without seeing her ever. It has been pretty crappy. I love my little stister so much and not being around her is the absolute worst!  Meanwhile, at my house, my daughters are six and a half and 20 months old. They rule. But they are insane and keep me busy every day. So, when my dad VOLUNTEERED, and yes, he volunteered to travel eight hours to spend the week with my husband and kids to hold down the fort so I could have a vacation, I wasn’t about to say no!  I have to reiterate that he volunteered.  Just want you to remember he volunteered.  This was a voluntary act.  Got it?  Volunteered.  Okay, let’s proceed.

I laid out a very detailed agenda, with a healthy meal plan, instructions for before & after school, even giving my dad two days each week to send the little one to daycare so he would not have to actually babysit for the majority of the time. I understood that mornings are the most stressful time of the day, and, after the routine had been completed each morning, he would probably need a nap.  I did everything short of scheduling nap time for him to make the week go as smoothly as possible.  Or so I thought.  Turns out I may have glossed over a few details, obviously not on purpose.

Looks like I may have gotten my sarcasm from my dad.  What do I mean?  Well, as I was enjoying my week in the California sun and spending time with my mom, sister, family I haven’t seen in years, and a few friends that I was lucky enough to catch up with, he was living and documenting the role of mom/Super-Papa.  Now, I am fresh with my role as mom and obviously have things down, for the most part.  There are some days, okay, several days, that I find myself in need of a massage, vacation, shower, drink, etc. by 9 am.

I left on a Tuesday morning, around 7 am.  Papa USA had arrived the night before for a debriefing and to clarify any points I left on the 3-page single spaced document aptly named “Instructions.”  I left exact times that things must be done, where to find certain articles of clothing or favourite toys. I left phone numbers and addresses of key players in the children’s care.  I left a list of the kids favourite foods, including a note to specify the importance of “Taco Tuesday.”  Don’t want a six-year-old to flip her lid.  It’s not pretty.  I even went food shopping and left recipes on the counter of meals I thought would be fairly easy to prepare.

The older beauty was awake before I left Tuesday, so I got some time in with her before I left, but was not-so-subtly warned that I better not wake the littler poop-head so I snuck in and whispered “I love you” and blew her a kiss.  I placed my sunglasses on my head, hopped in the car and drove 2.5 hours, partially in the dark and snowfall to reach Syracuse and my first flight.  I was due to take off at about 11 am for a quick 46 minute flight to JFK.  Then there was the charming five hour layover.  My super duper mom showed up a few hours early for our flight to keep me company, though, so it wasn’t as torturous as I had anticipated.  Six and a half hours to Burbank, in the middle seat.  I’m starting to feel my age lately and sitting in one position for too long is starting to take its toll on my joints, and my sunny disposition.  But, I knew I was about to see my sister and spend a week in sunny California so all was right in the world.  17.5 hours after I started my journey, I was safely deposited at my uncle’s house in Burbank.  Not before Kim and I turned to each other at baggage claim when a suitcase came through, wrapped in packing tape, and shared a “that has to be you” – a line from Tommy Boy.   We were back together and my mom wasn’t sure she was ready for this.

Unfortunately, Kim had to work (another thing that is the worst) and so our visit was un-Kimberly-esque for the first couple of days.  On day one, mom & I didn’t want to waste any time, so my lovely aunt took us for a hike to the Griffith Observatory.  Beautiful views, fresh air, *no bugs!* and our first celebrity spotting of the trip.  No, mom, that’s not Cesar Milan, The Dog Whisperer.  That is simply a man with several dogs.  Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick were about 10 feet from me when I saw them hiking with their dog.  I tried to get my hiking companions’ attention to point them out, truly I did, but he was staring straight at me.  That would have been soooo un-California of me.  As he passed, I thought “dammit, I should have started singing Footloose, I’m sure he would have found that utterly amusing.”   Just a tidbit for all of you that know me personally, you are now only two degrees from Kevin Bacon.  After a quick lunch, we went back to my aunt’s house to wait for Kim to pick us up so we could have dinner and help her move apartments.  I jumped on Facebook to see what was going on in my world three hours in the future.  One of my cousins alerted me to a post my dad had written.  Apparently, he wanted to keep me in the loop as to what was happening at home, and I truly appreciated that.  Here’s what went down:

hey Kris, I thought I’d let you know about my first morning with your girls. As you know, ‘L’ (my husband) had no work yesterday so I observed how he ran the show, figuring today would be a snap.  One thing I forgot to watch was the clock.  The day started fine at 5 am as ‘J’ got up and got on the i-pad and watched her movie. Around 530a “can I have a bagel?” “of course ‘J'”, and back to her movie. 630a,”what do you want to do now papa?” Back to bed came to mind but what the heck, I can handle it.  So I watched how to make rubber band bracelets (I only have 2 so far). 7a-‘R’ wakes up (smiling of course), ‘J’ gets into bed with her for some hugs and jump time.  Oh crap what time is it?  Uh time to brush 2 heads, 2 sets of teeth, oops forgot to feed ‘R’.” ‘J’, get dressed.  8a, ‘J’ needs help with snow pants, somehow the suspenders got detached, zippers, clips, buttons and velcro…the only fastener missing was duct tape. While helping with snow pants, ‘J’ starts laughing and points, “look papa” I turn around to see a pair of boots sticking out of the clothes dryer. ‘R’ is in just about all the way. Damn, never a dull moment with these two. We got to the bus stop with a minute to spare. It’s 5o’clock somewhere right? I need a drink….have fun

Oh, boy!  I read that aloud to my travel companions and we got a good chuckle as we were sitting on the patio sipping gently on a crisp glass of Chardonnay.   His post got 63 likes on Facebook and several comments, most of them offering to pick him up at the end of the day for a trip to the local ‘watering hole.’  What most of his friends didn’t understand (yet) was that he was not at home.  I live in Canada, just a bit too far for a beer with his pals back on Long Island.  He was trapped, he was frozen like a deer in headlights, not sure if he should go back the way he came or keep moving, but pretty certain that the big ‘ol dumptruck that are my offspring would show him no mercy, they were gonna keep going full steam ahead.  Make your move, old buck, or you will be run down.

Day 2: Thursday – Kim was working again (boo!), so after I got in a lovely 3 mile run outside, while managing to not get lost in the neighbourhood and remembering that jaywalking is an actual offence that cops ticket for out there, mom and I met her at work for a nice lunch with her and her roommate.   I promise not to talk about all the food I ate, but I love seafood, crab cakes especially, so I have to mention that the crab cake sliders I had were phenomenal.  Aaaaaand, I think I may have fallen in love with Sierra Madre, such a quaint town.  (I’ve always wanted to describe some place as quaint, whoomp, there it is!)  Lunch, tour of her office, then back to her apartment to do some moving while she finished her workday.   Ordered in dinner at the new place, drank wine from some amazing glasses featuring the likenesses of Dave Grohl (duh), James Dean and Charlie Hunnam.  Pretty fine company, if you ask me.  More unpacking, sipping, movie watching and a sleepover in the new apartment.  Felt like home.  I’m sure my dad was thinking “can’t wait to go home” at this point, as his day was a bit more eventful:

So Kris, here is day two so far. I’ve been sleeping in the living room to be closer to the girls in case any thing should happen. Well apparently ‘J’ heard me say that I should get started earlier, and voila, 430 am the living room lights assault my eyeballs.  I roll over and tell our little princess “‘J’, it’s 430 in the morning” the response is swift and sure, “I know, now turn off the light”. Yes dear. 630, time for coffee, oh yay no more milk. Getting them ready went smooth except whenever I closed a door, ‘J’ would open it as encouragement to the “Buzz Saw,”courtesy-‘D’ (papa Canada).  I think the kids at the bus stop like me because the 4 of them do their best to cover me with snow. Off to Daycare. As I pull in, I look at ‘R’, hat, 2 mittens and 1 boot – off. Dress her back up (3rd time today). Off for a fun day of shopping. First-The Water Store? Yep, the one where you fill your jugs with drinking water. ‘L’ told me correct directions, but somehow I missed the bigger than MACY’S sign.  Now for a bag ‘o milk, good sale, bought 6 not gonna run out while I’m here. Gasoline (or petrol) by the litre, what the F is a litre? Sure does cost a lot for one, it must be good! I need a reefer stick, have fun.

Plenty more comments for this but I personally replied that it’s really no use to dress ‘R’  too warmly for a car ride, she removes pretty much everything along the way.  He starts wondering what other tidbits I forgot to share.  I try to impart some more motherly knowledge, about the “Buzz Saw,” as ‘R’ is now being called by her two grandfathers.  But hey, did he want a novel before I left?  Probably wouldn’t have remembered everything anyway.  Oh, wait, I’m in California, I shouldn’t be worried about snowboots and mittens.   I take the last sip of wine that Dave offers and wander off to sleep.

Day 3:  Friday – over on the West Coast, there was more unpacking, waiting for the internet man, a quick stop at my aunt & uncle’s house before we took a stroll along City Walk.  I didn’t let anyone know, but the only other time I was in California, 20 years ago, I had a really creepy experience at City Walk, in the parking garage in particular.  It had to do with a ghostly laugh and hair standing up on my neck, yada yada – I’m getting creeped out just thinking about it.  This time was better.  I beat the crap out of a Storm Trooper, the poor fella you see at the right, got a Despicable Me “Fart Gun” for my oldest daughter (which made her jump up and down upon receipt, by the way) and a Minions sippy cup for the little bug.  Looked for a souvenir for my husband, actually probably should have gotten him that fart gun, but hindsight is 20/20, right?    After City Walk, we scurried over to a taping of “Mom.”  Good fun, great laughs, and a little bit of an insult when the MC told us we looked like a wax museum, pointing directly at me, mom, & Kim.  No, sir, we are laughing, on the inside.  The simple explanation is that we are from New York, have a good deal of Italian heritage, and suffer from severe cases of RBF (resting bitch face).  I’m not going to even get started on the fact that you served New Yorkers what you call pizza.    Don’t misinterpret me – we had a really great time, the show is funny as hell.  If you don’t already watch it, I highly recommend it.   At some point during the day, I remembered that ‘R’ was scheduled to stay home with my dad all day and oddly (or not oddly at all) we hadn’t heard his report for the day just yet.  Can’t wait for this one:

here goes, day 3. aaah. 4 hours of “paw patrol” is more than any human should have to endure. ‘J’ let me know yesterday that mini-hockey was starting at school today (yes, hockey is THAT serious up here). She needs a stick and goggles to participate, which I of course forgot between the street and the house. Got a good nights sleep and back is feeling fine. 7 am up and at ’em. “I think the goggles are in the barn papa” Oh joy, through the snow into a darkened barn to search for the needle in a hay stack. Now where is that light switch? Ouch, smacked my shin on a tractor of some sort. As the stars circling my head shed some light….ah, the switch. Oof, gouged in the stomach by a 2×4 that is about a foot longer than need be, bolted to the work bench. Let there be light. ‘Look in the drawers papa” (about 25 of them). No luck. As I’m looking up, right in front of my face, sit 4 pair of goggles. Thanks for the tip ‘J’. “Try these ‘J'”-” No”, and so it went 3 more times. Off to the bus stop, where I am now known as Frosty by my new-found friends (who ask to come over every day after school). Into the house we go around 830a for breakfast and relaxing time. As ‘Tara’ (one of Dad’s new fans) would say, “HAH.” 3 different chairs for ‘R’ in about 45 seconds, then off for a few laps around the house. Put some fruit in a bowl as per Kris’ instructions “that will keep her quiet”…for about 2 minutes. The Buzz Saw, in all my life I have seen very few nick-names that actually fit someone so appropriately. That is ‘R’. Food, laps, drink, laps, diaper change is the only time I stand still for a couple minutes. I’ve been lucky so far, no poops for me to change, but I am sure it’ll be a doozy. Any Xanax around?

Anyone else notice the glaring omission of a “have fun” at the end of that post?

Day 4:  Saturday – I was really looking forward to Saturday and meeting up with two of my college friends/roommates/all-around kick-ass chicks for a wine tour in Temecula.  We got on the road fairly early and started our tastings around noon.  We responsibly planned on leaving our cars at the hotel and taking Uber rides in between wineries.  The first spot we hit had this pretty cool glass floor in the middle of the tasting room, looking down into the fermentation room (I just made that up, there were lots of barrels in there, could have been the gunpowder storage room for all I know).   My Californian companions were both wearing dresses and daintily walked around the edge of the transparent portion of the floor.  I am relieved that this was our first visit, as I’m curious if the sign in the  middle of the floor-warning that people below could see up-was put in place following their last visit there.  Anyway, great wine, great laughs, great company, amazing scenery.  We took some pictures by the fountain that my sister kindly agreed not to push me into since it was only our first stop.  Thanks, pal!  Winery number two – just as beautiful, after all, we are still in California.  Then for some lunch at a winery that didn’t really seem to do much of the tasting thing.  We all had a delicious lunch, but when we asked for a second basket of bread at the end of the meal and they brought us out a stale loaf, we figured we should leave before we started throwing it.  That would be uncool.  Not sure who the voice of reason was, there.  Most likely not my mom, though.  She broke her wrist about a month ago, needed surgery and had to swear off of the alcohol while she was on painkillers during her recovery.  HAVE NO FEAR, it was her left wrist, she’s a right-handed drinker, whew, dodged a bullet there!  A couple more wineries, some dancing, some dinner, then off to sleep.  Surprisingly few shenanigans, but still tons of laughs.  Saturday was an all-around good day for everyone, my dad got a little reprieve from playing mom and I think he was grateful:

day 4, Sat. reasonably calm so far, ‘L’ is home so my work load is halved. I’ve always liked my son-in-law and now I appreciate him. ‘L’ and ‘J’ are out shoveling the rink so I can go break my hip later, just to hear ‘J’ laugh at me.  I took a few pictures and will post them when the 6yr old is able to help me.  Forgot to take meat out for dinner so NY pizza it is, or pbj’s-so much for their healthy diet Kris, you get what you pay for ahaha . Glad I spoke with Kathy (my mom) this morning, they are off to a winery and that reminded me, I have to get to the beer store. They do actually exist…pure genius I say.  It is so quiet right now that I think I’ll go shower.  Btw Kathy, fair warning-they replaced the shower head here, so what used to be a moderate trickle is now the Kramer 5000, damn near got blasted right out of the shower the other day. Good way to remove the top 3 layers of skin I suppose. Well, never mind the shower I was just informed ‘J’ wants me outside, she’s building her arsenal of snow balls just for me. Florida is calling my name.
And later in the day  … 
brief update… the girls are at ‘L’s’ parents house for the night and time for a movie, beer, snacks, beer and if we get to it, more pics and beer. Then a hockey game on tv with… you guessed it more beer!

By now, he has a pretty nice fan base, people are encouraging him to keep going, that he should write his own blog.  I think it’s going to his head.   He even posted some pictures of him and the girls wearing goofy hats.  As much as he’s trying to deny it, he’s having fun.

Day 5:  Sunday – Drive back to Burbank and have lunch at the Grove.  Apparently lots of famous people shop there.  The only famous person we saw was Jesus, no big whoop.  Had some wine and fondue for lunch.  “Fondue you love me?  Yes, yes I do.”  Then a drive up to Simi Valley to visit my cousin & his wife and kids.  We don’t see him much but it’s always fun.  He’s very animated and has great stories.  I ordered a plate of fried catfish, fried hushpuppies and french fries.  I’ve never had catfish or hushpuppies before, I like french fries, but they’re not my fave.  I wanted to chalk that order of fried insanity up to being in a new place and trying new things, but I think it’s more likely that I was still drunk from Saturday.    Sunday was a relatively mellow day for everyone:

day 5, Sunday. It’s quiet here…too quiet. But I know that will all change soon enough. I know all you parents, grandparents and caregivers have or will go through this same stuff, I have to write it down as I have a tendency to forget things. Right Adrienne, I mean Kathy?  We got an invite to ‘D’ and ‘W’s’ (my in-laws) for dinner tonight thanks to ‘L’s’ not so subtle hint. I’m guessing my hosts are growing tired of main course only dinners. No sides, salad, or bread.  “You’ll eat it and like it dammit.”  Just to let you know, this isn’t a day off.  In addition to ‘J’ and ‘R,’ there are 2 dogs here as well. Tonka the Rotweiller (great dog) and Milo the gassy, smelly Pug.  Milo likes to lay on the couch “which ain’t big enough for both of us flea-bag.”  Speaking of dogs, how is Harley doing back in LB?  Let me know ‘N,’ thanks.  I have to give a special mention to ‘LM’ and crew at daycare. I spent about 20 minutes there over the last few days and I don’t know how they do it.  Like my father-in-law used to say “you’re going straight up.”  Thanks LM. I haven’t heard from the California girls yet, they must have “toured” more than one vineyard yesterday.  Hungover ladies? ahaha. Thanks to all for your great comments, they’re keeping me connected to the adult world.  Now to see if I can get NFL on the computer.  Enjoy the day.

He’s no longer addressing the posts to me, it’s all about his fans … he’s even giving shout-outs to all the people who helped him out along the way.  This ain’t no Emmy’s speech, brotha!

Day 6:  Monday – The last full day with my sister, she has to go back to stupid work on Tuesday.  After my 5 mile run and getting lost and then rescued by my uncle, we head to Santa Monica and the oh-so-famous pier.  We walked around a little before meeting a hometown friend for lunch.  We had no real plans on where we wanted to go but when one sees a sign that says “Tacos and Tequila,” one does not ignore it.  One, or in this case, four, embrace what the universe is sending us and four people follow the beacon that is leading us to those two fabulous ‘T’s.’   Tacos were good, margaritas were sort of the worst, but we still drank ’em.  My friend that we met is a fellow writer, much more successful than I, he actually gets paid.  Crap, gotta get me some of that action.  So, we’re cruising along, having a nice lunch, fun conversation and my mom starts jerking and looking around nervously.  She’s making odd noises and I wonder if this is a seizure or a stroke.    We all just stare for a lengthy 15 seconds before she slaps the table and says “Brody!”  Apparently,  Damien Lewis, who played Brody on Homeland just walked by.  We are such New Yorkers.  I can’t 100% confirm it was him, as we only saw his side profile as he turned to speak with the woman he was walking with, but I am about 78% confident she was correct.  Now I don’t feel so bad about the Kevin Bacon thing.  We did some pretty important eating that day, sushi date for dinner with my wine tour ladies, unfortunately one got hung up at work, but four of us enjoyed delicious sushi presented by a waiter that apparently is an actor, as well.  My mom was watching “Shameless” today and swore he was in a couple episodes.  Cool.  Busy day of celebrity sighting, friends and food, I was cramming it all in before my Tuesday departure.   Apparently, my dad had a busy day, too, the little one was home from daycare again:

I have officially been here a week now, and as you know I love my grand children with all my heart. That being said, as a retiree I have become accustomed to a certain pace in life and fast is not a part of that pace. These early morning rushes of getting them ready for school/day care is taking its toll on this old-timer. Last night as I lay in bed,  Alice Cooper’s “Welcome to my nightmare” started cruising through my head.  I’ve always been a fan so no big deal.  Then I started thinking, is this an omen?  The usual early a.m. madness ensued, now time to get ‘R’ in her car seat to wait at the bus stop.  As I’m strapping her in, ‘J’ calls from behind and as I turn, wham, right between the eyes with a snowball.  First time I raised my voice this week.  Gonna be a fun day. Back in the house for unending hours of Paw Patrol, if I can find smaller than a credit card (Apple TV) remote. Good luck with that.  So I start checking between seat cushions, all the usual places, even moved the furniture, nowhere.  I did however find slippers, toys, books, dust bunnies and 3 of the major food groups. Think Paul, think.  I do recall Kathy leaving her car keys in the fridge once(honestly).  I did eventually find it in ‘L’s’ room.  I have gotten somewhat used to ‘R’s’ routine now, although when I hear the kitchen chairs moving around it’s time to investigate.  Today it was to the sink, then the toaster.  Good Lord girl, take a nap, I’m begging you.  “Welcome to my breakdown.” Sorry Kris, I know I’m borrowing heavily from your previous writings. Enjoy the rest of your vacation.

Whew, he’s hoping I have fun again, must be time to go home soon.

Day 7:  Tuesday and another long day of travelling ahead of me.  Our flight isn’t until 9:30 pm and the airport is about 15 mins from my uncle’s house.  I get in my last run and then another hike with my mom and aunt up a different trail.   My aunt nonchalantly tells us of the snakes, mountain lions and other wild creatures we may encounter after we are solidly committed to trekking on these trails.  It’s a more remote mountain, so not many fellow hikers to warn and/or protect us if something goes wrong.  Thankfully, about 45 mins into the hike, we reach a lookout point that describes what we should do if we encounter a vicious mountain lion.  Great placement, thanks a ton, California park brainiacs.  We survived, thankfully, and rewarded (?) ourselves with a trip to “In & Out Burger,” I’d heard that’s a must-do while in the great state.  Actually tasted good, but now that I’ve had it, I can say I’ve had it and go on with my life.  I took a nap on my final day, prepping for the red eye, 4 hour layover and short second flight followed by 2.5 hours of driving to return home.   Was a nice relaxing day, winding down and detoxing before I head back to reality and see the wreckage that was left waiting for me at home:

Well, here it is, my last post from Canada. Kind of bittersweet I suppose, but I am ready.  It is cold here…9 degrees F with a constant 5-10 mph wind.  But it’s a dry cold,????? instead of just bone chilling, it’s bone brittling (is there such a word?)   Daycare informed me that the kids don’t go outside when the temp gets like this.  I think you get the point, it’s EFFIN’ COLD!!! So of course someone suggested that the 6yr old stay home with papa today for some quality time.  I am handed a Toy-r-Us card “Let her pick something out” I can hear him laughing at me now.  Want some fun? Take a 6yr old girl shopping in a toy store with a gift card.  Not only do you stop at EVERY display, some more than once, but the looks one gets while shopping on a school day, with a child, are a little disturbing, if you’re a guy.  After our shopping, it’s over to Mac-d’s. Too early for lunch, so milkshakes and macmuffins, with a side of greasy, crunchy potato-like substance.  Big mistake, I’ll just say we barely made it home. Time for a nap, hah, lay down “can you help me sort these things?” A box of a couple hundred multi-colored, tiny rubber bands is placed in front of me. Sorry, hit the post button prematurely, will finish up in the a.m.  I’m wiped.

Awww, some bonding time, how cute.  That was my husband’s idea, by the way.

Wednesday, last day,630a. my apologies for last nights premature narration. The rubber band separation process was soooo much fun, only lasted about 30 minutes.  ‘L’ got home, so I think I’ll run out to pick up ‘R’.  Get to daycare and ‘LM” informs me that one of the other kids bit ‘R’ on the cheek. No broken skin but a nice red mark is left on MY grandaughters’ face. I was going to march right over to that 2yr olds’ house and rough him up a bit, then I thought better of it, figuring he may know karate and kick my ass.  How would I ever explain that?  After dinner, a little rough-housing, leaving these 2 with some fun thoughts (I hope). I will miss them. Kris, I hope you had as much fun on your vacation as I did serving my sentence. Safe travels.

Sentence?!  Remember, you volunteered, old man.  I had an amazing trip, knowing that my girls were in good hands.  After all, this dude had a pretty nice role in raising me and my siblings, and we are all pretty rad, as far as I can tell.  And kids keep you young, remember?  Over the course of the week, one of his fans/friends posted an article entitled “Grandparents Who Babysit Are Less Likely to Develop Alzheimer’s.”  Obviously, he should be thanking me at this point, still waiting on that . . .