PRE-Prenatal Parenting Prep

As I was completing my workout yesterday, my toddler jumped on my back to add some extra resistance to my already feeble attempt at girlie push-ups. I started thinking about how we, as parents, are put through so much physical pain and rigorous bodily tasks every day. I wish I had trained for this. It really is a physically exhausting endeavour to take care of children. At the very least I should have done some weight training. My two-year old is only about 25 lbs. She’s adorable and I find it impossible to resist when she asks for “uppies.” That’s 25 lbs. of lifting, maintaining an isometric hold and sometimes a “clean and jerk” above the head if we are feeling playful. It got me seriously contemplating all the things I was not at all prepared for when I became a mom. Labor and childbirth not included, of course. That’s a different monster altogether. I’m talking about the time from when you come home with your baby until, I don’t know … probably infinity? Below you will find my suggested training manual for anyone considering becoming a parent. Or maybe you were surprised by your impending physical and mental breakdown. Better get studying!

1. To train for the physical requirements of carrying your child.
Visit a restaurant supply store. Locate the largest bag of flour they carry. Bring it home and carry it around on your hip. Think I may be overdoing it? Guess what? Those little monsters don’t stop asking to be picked up once they can walk. My nearly seven-year old asks for “uppies” too. And she falls asleep on the couch often, so you will need to practice picking up that adorably lanky “sack o flour” from a flat position and transport it gently to another room without letting it bounce off the walls. Have fun.
2. To train for breastfeeding.
Rub your nipples with a Brillo pad. Smile through your pain, pretending that there’s an adorable little person that needs nourishment attached to the other end. Not the mom? Do it anyway. My pain is your pain, jackass. Also – for fun – carry a spray bottle with you everywhere and occasionally spray your shirt to mimic “leaking.”
3. To train for awakenings through the night.
Set an alarm to go off every 49 minutes. Make sure you physically get out of bed. Snooze isn’t a thing anymore. Do this for no less than three months before you start trying to conceive. Bonus exercise: continue this practice while you are actually trying to conceive. Now you know why my kids are five years apart.
4. To train for co-sleeping. (Even if that’s not your plan, it WILL happen).
Get a puppy. Have the puppy sleep with you. Make sure you get one of those really active little breeds that kicks and bites. This will prepare you for how your baby/child will undoubtedly want to play at 3 am when she sees that you’re next to her. Extra credit if you get an incontinent puppy.
5. To train for diaper emergencies.
Fill an endless supply of balloons with water or the liquid of your choice. Carry one or two balloons at all times. Hire a friend or relative that visits often to randomly, and without warning, poke a hole in the balloon(s) you’re carrying. Try to get to the changing table before the entire balloon empties onto your Lego-riddled floor. Oh yeah, you should have a thin layer of Legos decorating your floor AT ALL TIMES. It will help your agility. You’re welcome.
6. To train for introducing new foods.
Buy several jars of baby food. Empty them all into a blender. Using a long extension cord, plug in the blender, making sure you do NOT put the top on. Turn on blender at full blast and walk around the house with the appliance/faux child. Take special care to point it at your favorite paintings, light colored couches, and ceilings. Of course, the ceilings.
7. To train for laundry needs.
Buy a whole bunch of adorable baby clothes. Go to Taco Bell and purchase a Big Box Value Meal. Consume every last bite. 14 minutes later, swiftly eliminate every last bite. Dip all adorable clothes into toilet. Decide whether to clean them or just throw them out and buy new clothes. Bonus exercise: put four or five of your own favorite clothing items in there too! Yay!
8. To train for potty training.
Identify your neighborhood’s “Dennis the Menace.” Commission him-or her-but really, probably him, to procure between six and 11 dog turds from neighboring lawns. Ask him to hide said turds around your house and/or car, being careful that he does not disclose exactly how many turds are eagerly awaiting to be discovered. Find all turds before you are forced to move out of your home.
9. To train for sass AKA “talking back.”
Become a mime. Nobody is ever going to listen to you again, anyway. Might as well make a hobby out of it. Go all in, paint your face white. Wear gloves everywhere. Pretend to be perpetually stuck inside a glass box. Some days, you’ll wish you were. As long as it’s soundproof.
10. To prepare financially for your child’s sports/activities expenses.
Learn to survive on celery sticks and dandelion greens. Also, start collecting rain water to bathe your family.

My oldest is currently a few months shy of seven years old. Stay tuned for the teenage years addendum. I imagine it will include training topics such as: “Tying a Secure Knot”, “Wardrobe Negotiations 101” and “Who’s That Crazy Lady Yelling in Her Bathrobe? Crap, it’s Me!”

Happy Procreating!