The Most Current List of Why I’m the Worst Mom EVER (abridged version)

If you’re a parent, you realize that, on any given day, the criteria by which your children judge you and your mad skillz (my own appraisal) changes.  Dramatically.  What made you the coolest mom on the class trip yesterday, will inevitably be the reason for a lifetime of embarrassment by their ‘totally rational’ assessment tomorrow.   Here are a few of the reasons I top the “Worst Mom Ever” list as of today:

1.  I make terrible waffles.   I don’t mean the “mix your own batter and bake it in a vintage waffle iron topped with freshly picked berries from the pasture and whipped cream that I churned myself at four a.m. from the cows I raise strictly for this purpose” kind of waffle.  I mean a toaster waffle.   And not even an Eggo waffle.  A store-brand toaster waffle.  I’m the worst at putting a generic waffle in a toaster and pushing the button down.  Wait – that part isn’t too bad.  Sometimes they let me push the button but then they call in the big guns to finish the job.  On the mornings that dad is home for the breakfast routine, he is recruited to finish up the task of putting butter on the waffle and then commencing to fill every waffle nook to the very top  with maple syrup BEFORE cutting it up (this is crucial, I cannot stress it enough, I have actually gotten many dirty looks for daring to cut said waffle prior to syrup application to avoid sticky hands – what kind of monster am I?!?!)  I’m sorry, darling, that I’m not feeding you spoonfuls of diabetes and the first recorded case of food-induced ADHD to start the day.
2. I also make shitty chocolate milk.  I know what the problem is – I don’t put enough chocolate syrup in.  I know how to remedy the problem – put more chocolate syrup in.  But they are convinced that dad is the only living human that makes adequate chocolate milk, so I’m gonna let him have this victory over me.  Also, it gets the rugrats to drink white milk or water occasionally.  On top of that, I figure I’ve saved a total of $3.64 in my last seven mom-years from all the chocolate syrup I saved by pretending that I’m way too uncoordinated to stir a spoon efficiently enough to make a palatable glass of their favourite beverage.   That savings is going straight to the Disney World trip fund – you’re welcome, kids!  I actually love chocolate milk myself.  I also love that they point and giggle at me when I drink it as though they can’t imagine anyone would like my awful attempt at preparing it.
3. I make them sleep in their own beds.  I love my kids and I love reading and cuddling and singing with them (when they let me) but I also really like when they are asleep and not ‘asleep and kicking me.’  You have your own rooms for a reason and I have mine.  Unless there is a literal monster, or creepy clown, lurking under your bed, keep those toes on your own property.   And don’t pick 9:00 as the time to develop this grand imagination – I’m not buying your story about an evil troll and garden gnome fighting over who will get to eat your big toes.  Believe me, you haven’t seen scary until you walk in on your mom three glasses of wine deep watching Grey’s Anatomy before taking her mascara off.  The stuff of nightmares, I promise you.  It’s for your own good, today and in the future.
4. I don’t let them watch Caillou.  Actually, that earns me top spot on the “Best Mom EVER” list.
5. It’s more than two months past my seven year old’s birthday and I have no plans to throw her a party.  This one, I actually feel bad about.  But not bad enough, obviously, because I reaaaaaaally don’t feel like giving her a party.  Let me be clear – she got a gift from us and we celebrated with her grandparents and some family in NY on her actual birthday, but she hasn’t had the “friend party.”  I’ll be honest, I’m probably gonna just turn an upcoming playdate into her birthday celebration and one lucky kid will get to join us at the movies and have a piece of cake.  I’m so over birthdays.  I’ve had 37 of them.  Really, hon, it’s no big whoop.

I’m sure I’m missing no less than 48 more reasons why I’m the worst, but I did mention this is the abridged version, right?