Christmas traditions are plentiful and often bring moments of endless joy to many. Who doesn’t love lines of screaming babies at the mall waiting to sit on Santa’s lap? What mom doesn’t delight at the idea of baking Christmas goodies for two weeks straight and then eating 45% of them herself? Candy canes stuck in toddler hair, mistletoe appearing above your head at work celebrations (no thanks!), promises that “we’re not exchanging gifts this year” only to find your fourth cousin twice removed just got you “a little something” while you respond with a high-five. Don’t get me wrong, I love the holidays! I love my family and starting new traditions with my kids. One such tradition has been the addition of a new family member, “Porkchop,” who visits our house each year between American Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve to make sure my girls are on their best behaviour. Porkchop takes his job seriously and reports not only to Santa, but also to my girls on how the season is going. Apparently he wrote updates for the girls last year, we just got our hands on them. Please enjoy “The Porkchop Chronicles.”
December 1:
Happy Holidays, Girls!
It’s me, Porkchop! Here for another season of what I’m sure will be stellar reports of your behaviour to Santa. I hope you had a great summer. I saw that you girls were Ninja Turtles for Halloween, you both looked great and got tons of goodies. (By the way, I noticed your mom and dad snuck more candy than they told you about – don’t worry, I’m always looking out for you.) You guys got your tree early this year. Big sis must have picked it out again, another great one! I decided to plop myself in the tree to keep an eye on things today because I know that you guys spend a lot of time in the living room. Hope you don’t mind, you’ll probably need to let the tree settle for a day or two before you can decorate it anyway. Be good!
Your pal,
Porkchop
December 2:
So, it looks like you ladies were pretty anxious to decorate the tree yesterday. I know your mom said that I “fell out” of the tree when she and your dad were straightening it. It didn’t exactly go down that way. I know she meant well because you were so excited to decorate, but that doesn’t negate the fact that the coal-weilding grinch threw me on the ground! (My sincerest apologies, I shouldn’t use that kind of language. I will punish myself by shining Dasher’s lead bells tonight.) I saw the horror on both of your faces as your mom picked me up so gently and placed me kindly somewhere else. It was all a show, watch out for that lady.
Your bruised friend,
P
PS- the tree looks great but tell your mom the lights are a little crooked.
December 5:
You girls have really been behaving wonderfully! I reported back to Santa your love of colouring and video games. I think he’s coming up with some really great ideas if you continue to be nice to each other. I decided to hang out in the kitchen today, since I hear your parents complaining a lot that you guys don’t have good table manners or eat the healthy food they prepare for you. I agree, you could do better. I saw what your mom made for dinner last night, it looked amazing! (At least she’s got that going for her.) She does need to add more marshmallows to her entrees, though. I’ll leave her a note about that. Do me a favour and eat all your dinner tonight, I want to tell Santa you’re improving.
Porkchop
December 8:
Had a good day yesterday. Chilled by the window, watched you girls play nicely together outside, got some rare winter sun on my face. I was really in a good mood when I gave my report to Santa. It was nice & quick and since my work was done early, I came back here and was practicing my loop-diddy-loop flying tricks in the living room. 
I heard someone get up for a glass of water and was obviously startled. I got caught in that really nice paper-chain you made to decorate the doorways. Your mom saw me and I thought she would help me get unstuck but she ran to get her phone, took a picture and then flashed an evil grin at me before she went back to bed. I finally gave up and fell asleep. 
A few hours later, my weight was too much and I fell on the floor. She ran out when she heard the commotion and – you guessed it – took another picture. Can you believe this woman? I hope she’s nicer to you! Wondering what’s going on in this house.
Yours,
Porkchop
December 9:
Hey girls,
I told Santa about my fall and he’s putting your mom on the naughty list. Don’t let her take you down with her.
December 11:
Hello my favourite little ladies,
I’ve heard from your mom that you girls have been treating your friends really well at school and daycare. I’m so proud of you! We had our chat after she nearly microwaved me this morning. I was doing some acrobatics from your mom’s wine rack (it’s pretty big, isn’t it?) and I think she was trying to reach for her coffee cup that was sitting near it to zap it in the microwave but grabbed me and threw me in there instead. Thank goodness your dad came in and caught her in time. I may have been crisped up like a roasted marshmallow. Keep that guy around, he’s a good dude.
Close call!
Porkchop
December 15:
Hey pretty dudettes,
Be nice to your mom today, she was up in the middle of the night and really grumpy. I’m not sure exactly what she was mumbling about, all I caught was: “grumble grumble SHELF grumble grumble grumble FALSE ADVERTISING grumble EVERY FLIPPIN’ NIGHT.” Give her a nice good morning hug, would ya?
December 16:
Did I ever thank you girls for giving me such a rad name? All my friends are named ‘Jingle’ & ‘Sparkles’ — soooo lame. Nobody has my name and I love it! Guess you’re not familiar with any vegetarians? Giggle giggle.
Your cool dude friend,
Porkchop
December 19:
The house has smelled really great the last couple of days! You two are doing a great job helping your mom bake some Christmas treats. What you don’t know is that mom is doing a really great job eating a good portion of those Christmas treats. Do me a favour and let her know that she’s getting a little substantial around the middle. She’ll know what you mean. Seriously, I’m worried – I literally heard the chair creak when she went to get the flour from the top shelf earlier today. I will ignore whatever she tells me about your behaviour today.
P
December 22:
Last call, ladies! My final wish list is going in to Santa tonight for your family. Big things are taken care of but if there is a special book or shirt you would like, leave me a note before bed. I noticed your dad really likes the Toronto Maple Leafs – I’ve got a great idea for him. After all, he suffers enough every hockey season, he deserves something nice under the tree. As for your mom, I noticed she’s got lots of holes in her socks and stains in her undies (teeheehee), I’m gonna tell Santa to load her up with some new ones. Better than coal, right?
Keep behaving!
Porkchop
December 25:
Merry Christmas! You had a wonderful holiday season and I’m really proud of the way you treated your friends and family. It was fun spending a few weeks with you again! Can’t wait to hang with you next year and see how much you’ve grown. Try to spread some of your amazing holiday cheer to your mom. And by ‘holiday cheer,’ I DON’T mean cookies – I think she’s had plenty of them!
Love you, girls XOXO
Porkchop
If you have an elf that visits your house, I hope you love it every bit as much as we do!
2 Comments
Very entertaining Kris .
Very cute Kris!!