The end of any relationship sucks. I dare say it sucks worse than when you’re reallllly close to a sneeze and also in the middle of a conversation at a party so you put your finger up to let the person know that you just need a second to take care of this sneeze and your face is all contorted in preparation for the sneeze and you’re waiting and you’re trying to encourage the sneeze but can’t remember if you’re supposed to look TOWARDS the light or AWAY from it so you just stand there with a dumb face and your finger in the air until you finally give up and start talking again and then you finally DO sneeze mid-sentence and a tiny, but not tiny enough to miss, piece of phlegm flies across onto the collar of the shirt belonging to the person you’re talking to but they are too polite to look down and see it there so you just stare at every point on the person’s body EXCEPT the phlegm so that they aren’t TOTALLY aware that it’s there, but they are and then they finally walk away and go to the bathroom and you know they just checked their collar and are now dry-heaving because your phlegm is on them and you back away slowly out of the room so nobody realizes it was YOUR phlegm that was making the person in the bathroom dry heave. Ending relationships is worse than that. Ending marriages is even worse. Especially if children were created, because then there is likely phlegm that was involved in that whole experience too.
Anyway, I have compiled a list of things that I worried about a lot when the fate of my marriage was balancing on something that was really tiny and unstable of which I’m having trouble drawing a witty comparison to. Here goes:
- My Kids – No, I’m not the worst mom in the world. Of course you should worry about your kids if your family is breaking up. It will effect them, for sure. Unless they are the Talladega Nights kids and are pumped because now they get “TWO CHRISTMASES!!,” not living with mom and dad every day is going to be upsetting. Well, in most cases anyway. There was the traditional “shouldn’t we try – for the kids?” theory. But what I decided (and I say “I” and not “we” because I will never speak for my ex in these matters) was that staying together for the kids was stupid, at least in my case. I looked at my children and thought “if one or both of my daughters grow up and end up in a relationship that looks like mine, could I be supportive of it?” Ultimately, the answer was no. I won’t deny there was some good, but overall, their father and I did not epitomize the kind of relationship that I hope for them to be a part of one day. And so, when I realized that, I stopped worrying that I was making the wrong decision for them. I didn’t stop worrying, however, how they would handle it. And I still worry every day, but they are doing pretty danged great. I like to think it’s because they see both of their parents happier. Maybe not happier together, but happier. And that allows them to be happier too. Kids are pretty resilient.
- Finances – I struggled a LOT with this aspect of separating. I work part time. Actually, I probably work full time hours over three part time jobs but I am not guaranteed hours at any of them. Now, my tax returns show consistency and I’ve got no reason to believe that would change, but it’s still nerve wracking when you are about to let go of your safety net. Going out on your own financially after having lived your entire adult life with someone else who is able to contribute to the household financially is very stressful. I shouldn’t have worried as much. I just had to change my mindset. Those extra shifts that I’m offered that I didn’t really NEED to take prior, now get snatched up quickly. Cutting down on expenses by staying home with the kids doing puzzles and watching movies on TV instead of going to the movies helps. Encouraging the kids to plan out meals and actually cook with me instead of eating at restaurants is a fun new thing we are trying. There are always ways to get things paid for. I’ve just had to get a bit creative.
- Who Gets the Friends – Since I moved away from my family and friends for my former spouse, I met most of my friends directly through him, others were friends of THOSE friends. Even though this is now my home, I still somewhat thought of it as his territory. That is, until we separated. And that crippling fear I had that not only would I be without a spouse, but also without friends and other supporters, disappeared. Nobody chose sides. Well, not nobody, but very few. And the people that did choose made it clear what side they were on and it was simple for me to see that and respect that I wasn’t a part of their lives anymore. I didn’t force myself on anyone that didn’t want me around, I didn’t plead my case and lobby for anyone to stay with me. Honestly, most people don’t want to be in the middle of a breakup, they would rather just take you both, realizing that it’ll probably just have to be with one at a time. Adults are pretty resilient, too.
- Will Anyone Love Me Again? – Don’t RSVP to my pity party just yet. I’m pretty sure I’ve got a handle on this one. It’s easy to wonder this when you’ve spent 15 years with someone and you realize that the love isn’t there anymore. We did, after all, say this was “till death do us part,” right? I’m pretty thankful I didn’t go out looking for someone right away. As much as it sounds pretty cliche, it’s cliche for a reason: I’ve learned so much about myself in the last couple of years. I’m not going to list all the ways in which I’ve found I’m awesome – that may end up a whole other post, though, keep an eye open. But I’ve realized that yeah, someone probably will love me again. Someday when I’m closer to the person that I’m working on being. While I sure as shit don’t need it, having a partner would be nice. And the right guy will be getting a doozy of a lady, I can tell ya that much.
- Literally Anyone Else’s Opinion – There were people who thought I should have tried harder. There were people who thought that it was wrong of me to take any time away from my children when they were in my care. There were people who actually thought it was their business to have an opinion on the relationships I maintained and those I severed as a result of my failed marriage. There were people who judged me because I didn’t fall apart. Then there were the ones who judged because I did fall apart that one time. And it wasn’t until I was comforting my five-year old daughter for something totally unrelated to this ordeal and I told her not to feel sad, that whatever had just happened wasn’t something to be upset about that something clicked. Her response was golden: “you’re not in my brain, you don’t know how I feel.” BINGO! My kindergartener just put everything into perspective for me. I am the only one who knows why I’m making the decisions I am and dealing with the end of my marriage the way I am. I don’t owe anyone an explanation. I’m not hurting anyone and those who truly matter will realize that they are not in my brain and support me blindly, because that’s what I need.
Thanks to the people who close their eyes and have my back, you know who you are.
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