And So it Begins … The ‘Ria’lity of Homeschooling

As I’m writing this, it’s nearly 10 pm and I hear the sweetest melody of sounds imaginable – yawns combined with the angelic notes of Mr. Justin Timberlake as a Troll, crooning “we all need somebody to lean on . . . ” You got that right, JT, we are totally N’Sync! Can’t lie – there’s a lovely, generously poured glass of red wine next to me. Generously poured by my 11 yr old AKA 6th grader – because she knows. She knows that she rocked it as expected today. She knows that there is going to be a learning curve involved. She knows that this adventure is going to take a lot of teamwork. And sometimes mom yelling. And unscheduled screen time.

But let me take you back, waaaaaaayyyyyy back, to about 15 hours ago. When I sent my darling daughters a text that read – and I quote – “Hey girls. Hope you had a nice sleep. I’m probably going to get about 2 hrs of sleep before you get home so please come wake me up nicely so I’m not a grumpy turd mom for your first day of learning with me!! I’m pretty excited. Can’t wait for hugs! (followed by several heart emojis).” I got the response “OK.” Women of few words, I can appreciate that. Fell asleep excited and encouraged that the day would go really well. Fast forward exactly 2 hrs. 36 mins. later . . .

Door swung open and “MAAAAAA, WE’RE HOOOOOOMMMMMEEEE!!” Feet running down the hall to jump on me in bed. I appreciate the love but don’t appreciate the volume. We’ve been through this a lot. Working the 7:30 pm to 7:30 am overnight shift and having to look after two actively delightful children at 10 am is A. FIGURATIVE. NIGHTMARE. I initially wrote “literal nightmare” but aware that I’m teaching my children the language arts, don’t want to get into any grammatical conundrums.

I went back to bed. There’s always the weekend to catch up, right? Great attitude on day one, I realize. So we ended up an hour behind to start. I popped out of bed like a god damn creepy as hell jack in the box at 10:37 and declared “let’s go!” Poster board, markers, make your damn first day of school posters!!!! Name your school what you want!!! Jules thought Grade 6 felt like “The Fun Zone.” Rock on, Soul Sista! Ria named Grade 1 “Poop face poop poop.” Didn’t even get capitalization right. Demerit number one for the day. Okay, Day One pics with your posters, this will be easy. Due to Ria’s attention to detail, we fall another hour behind with this assignment, and can’t read a danged thing because of all the twirly whirlies on her poster board. Of note, she named “mom” as current best friend, so she got a gold star for that.

First lessons of spelling and grammar are pretty smooth sailing. Yeah, of course I argued with a 6 yr old over the benefits of using pencil vs her new mermaid pen in case of mistakes for about 6.32 minutes, but the actual “work” part of the lesson was well-received. Cruising along as she’s got to color pictures that end with a certain sound – pretty safe time for a bathroom break for teacher. Come back to a child who had very quickly and effectively colored her lips completely in blue magic marker. So, after being a parent for more than 11 years, I finally got to wash someone’s mouth out with soap. Or rather wash around someone’s mouth with soap. I have to be mindful of the language I use.

There were pleas to sit down, realizations that sitting them both at the same table was probably not the most effective way to do things, decisions about electronics, snacks, bathroom breaks, my overall goals in life and healthy levels of sanity that I’d like to maintain, questions about if it was too late to drop them off at school, and if that documentary I saw about the flat earther movement was really onto something, the question of if I really like cheese or if society suggests that I should because some cheese is sophisticated due to its frequent pairing with wine swirled through my head. Is there a God? Why do we only have five toes or fingers on each limb? Wouldn’t additionals be decidedly more convenient? What is the point of the sweet smell of some flowers? How many times can I reasonably declare that I “have to poo” before my kids insist I see a doctor? Or at least buy a house with more than one bathroom? Should I shower before we start our school day? Put a bra on?

Long story short, day one of homeschool ended around 1 pm when I fed them lunch. I suggested they read a bit after but I’m really not sure what happened next. I was very overzealous in scheduling a field trip on day one so got them out of the house for a “walk around downtown to solve a puzzle/mystery” via a local escape room establishment. It was actually a pretty great getaway and made me feel better about giving up after three hours.

I’m now fully understanding of the teachers that welcome gift cards to liquor stores as teacher gifts. When my kids go back to school after COVID, I’m going to arrange for a gift basket to be delivered to their teachers weekly.

Mic drop, I’m out.